trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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