and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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