This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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