Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
