Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
