im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.