Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
