my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
