remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
