I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
