How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
