you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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