I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
