I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
