I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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