im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
