Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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