i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
