I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
