I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
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