what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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