So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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