My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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