The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
