i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
