I wish my penis had an off switch
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
