dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
