she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
