I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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