ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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