i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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