You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just blew my weed a kiss
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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