you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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