I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
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The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
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he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES