Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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