Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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