FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
