I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
