Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
