ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
