His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
