im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
