Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
