So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
