true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
