Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
