i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
