do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
