my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
