Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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