He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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