We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
