went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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