It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
