WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
